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Oct 11, 2016 by Rik

Notice of Race:
October 22, 2016

Understand at the outset that the EDMONDS CHALLENGE CUP REGATTA is NOT - repeat NOT - an SPSC sanctioned event. It may well get sanctioned (in the worst sense) by all manner of moral authorities, but that’s your problem, I’m used to it.

This is a one day, four hour event for driveling idiots who will miss the Atlanta Fall Classic, Oct 21-23 because they don’t have the intelligence of a box of turnips. So, this invitation goes out to the dues-payed-otherwise-useless-dregs of the Club ONLY, everyone else will either be in Atlanta having actual fun, or specifically excluded and in most cases in a catatonic stupor as usual.

As for the Atlanta event, it will soon to be improved by my absence because my bird went OTR (off the reservation) doing many $$$ worth of damage to a neighbor’s cars (plural). Need I say that I speak not of the metaphorical “bird” of middle finger symbology, but of a feathered two pounds of the flapping, crapping, and chewing variety, whose miscreant adventures inspired ma femme to spousal correction of a woodshed tenor, which means I ain’t going nowhere for a while except where I can sneak off briefly, unbeknownst.

Regardless of the wind (if any), sail size will be limited to 5.8 meters (I’m bringing a 5.2) and if you have any sense, you will bring your worst (or first and only) board and a non-precious rig - THIS WILL BE A ROUND ROBIN EVENT with every competitor sailing every rig in his or her class at least once (PROIVIDED we have LESS than 8 competitors. If we get more than 8, I’m throwing my hands up and going home.) Course length will be adjusted accordingly.

If any “ringers” turn up, handicaps will be assigned accordingly, probably in the form of articles of clothing duct taped to the skeg of whatever board is applicable, so a word to all hotshots: be mindful of your choice of underwear and bring plenty of sunscreen. Alternatively, you will be permanently assigned a sail I dug out of the SPSC garbage can after even Wright refused to keep it any longer.

Skipper’s Meeting promptly at 1:00 first race at 1:15. Tides will be nearly identical to the recent Endless Summer, except for a lower coefficient (48, meaning less current.) Low at 2:45 PM, high seven hours later. Committee assistance would be appreciated but not essential, so if you find you’ve already washed your hair for that week, have a cramp in your texting finger, are nursing some other modicum of transient decrepitude, or can’t find anything on TV, come on by and add some confusion to the mayhem.

Start sequence will be “Ready, Set, Go”, yelled, if necessary, from the poop deck of my Hi-Fly by whoever is on board. Beach starts will be prohibited (to hammer down any nail heads that might be sticking up.) The Corps of Engineers will be providing our marks, and any splinters remaining after the event will be stored under the trailer for cremation in the Wind Ceremony. Because this will be a round robin, hitting a mark absolutely WILL be counted as a FOUL with the perp subject to a thorough carbon-fiber caning by the owner of the rig fragments while other competitors look on approvingly.

If there are more than 3 competitors, there will be two classes: “Duffers” (D) and “Pathetic Duffers” (PD). Anyone under 24 years of age, regardless of ability, will be placed in the Pathetic Duffers class to preclude a repeat of last year’s Kona event in Clearwater where upstart teenagers humiliated wiser, elder, experienced sailors who don’t deserve to be treated that way just because they need a key fob with a long range panic button to find their car. That said, minors must be accompanied by at least one parent, which should squelch teenager enthusiasm and participation.

Grand Prize will be an all expense paid bus ride to Cuba, which, I guess I need to explain, may not get you all the way there. The lucky winner will climb aboard about 75 yards off Alligator Point. How the bus got there, I have no idea. Ask Adam, he usually has a plethora of reasonable explanations for such things, none being a credible excuse for his part in it.

Second prize will be a cash endowment of three dollars and change; proceeds from the $45.74 per person entry fee, less expenses, namely, replenishment of the slush fund that pays for Deposed (still-on-the-payroll) Commodore-for-Life Papa Doc DeJay Bobbagee’s stretch Humvee limo, security detail, and Go Go Girls. I.O.U.s will be accepted in lieu of cash; Bob knows where you live. And don’t worry, his interest rates are low enough to be illegal. (Please Note: this is not a Bob sanctioned event either; he knows nothing about it or about any of the money.)

And of course the biggest prize of all is the coveted, first ever, Edmonds Challenge Cup cup (pictured) for best in fleet. Imagine having this on your mantel next to your other trophies or your rare antique German stein or possibly a loved one’s urn. Easily mistaken at your next house party for an expendable ashtray, or for emergency relief when the bathroom is jammed.

Finally, a word about waivers: YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN like an Arab at a Trump rally, and personally and solely liable for everything you do or don’t do, regardless. If you wrap my HiFly around a channel marker, I’ll swear on a stack of bibles that you stole it at gun point and I had to use your abandoned-piece-of-trash board like a club to try and get mine back. If the SPSC waiver form doesn’t scare you, wait until you see mine.

(OK, for those who don’t know when I’m kidding, let me spell it out. There is no entry fee - that part was a joke, seriously. This is NOT an SPSC sanctioned event, really. The only prize is a worthless plastic cup. Its not even an actual event. And if ANYTHING goes amiss, I’m outa there; I don’t know you, I’ve never seen you before, I was never told about any race, I didn’t know you couldn’t swim. I never saw what happened, I never heard any screaming, etc, etc.)

Believe me, you’re gonna love it.

See you there. RSVP Message Board.


Date: 10/19/2016
From: Rik

Regatta Update and More Drivel

At only three days out from the big event that is NOT the Atlanta-Fall-Classic, it seems prudent to cover some content advisories and safety procedures for the certifiably reptilian members of the Club who won*t be marching to Georgia. Normally these items would be aired at the skipper*s meeting, but show me normal around here . . . ?

We*ll deal with the former firstly. Content Advisory: parental guidance is advised. Scenes may depict absurd sailboard contraptions, outre* beach apparel, and adults engaging in juvenile behavior. Mothers, cover your children*s eyes and move them to the other side of the pavilion.

Now, our Safety Pointers:

There will be no committee boat, and rescue equipment will consist of a single canoe paddle, if any.

In the event you capsize, remember to signal your status to The Race Committee, if any. If you are OK, rase one arm and give the single finger salute internationally recognized as the I*m-OK-you*re-NOT signal. Nearby competitors will respond with the same gesture to let you know they*re glad you*re OK.

If you capsize and need help, raise you arm and give the two finger signal universally recognized as *Call-Me*. Then point to your nearest competitor, who inevitably, will think you just received a very funny text message and come right over.

Normally, a collision (or collisions for some of you) with a course marker is not a foul. As this will be a round robin contest involving collision intolerant (non-inflatable) markers, and as any damage you do to your rig or that of others will disadvantage subsequent assignees to that rig, such collisions will redound to the perpetrator*s disadvantage as a claw back of one or more finishing places for that race and/or subsequent races at the discretion of The Race Committee. (In other words, you*er screwed.) If a board is entitled to room at a mark, said room shall include room to stay out of the marker*s prohibited zone.

Other Business:

This is NOT an SPSC sanctioned event. Accordingly SPSC equipment may NOT be used to make up any (likely) deficiencies in your (scaled back) rig. Pursuant to this, I am informed that someone in Management got wind of our project and has (wisely) swallowed the trailer keys. If nothing else good comes of this, at least maybe *someone* will finally get around to strapping together the flotsam under the trailer. How they are going to keep Adam from showing up with the beer truck is another matter.

Regrettably, as previously mentioned, we must limit sail size for this round robin event to 5.8 meters, recognizing that not all potential competitors are likely to possess the surfeit of natural ballast that certain rent seeking trophy hounds are known to cultivate. Alternatively, we may be forced to ditch the round robin aspect in order to salvage the event, a tragedy which would defeat the whole idiotic concept, but which may happen if Adam gets his way and is allowed to use his 6.5. That would mean those of us with less gravitational force would, on his board, do well in flashes, bracketed by multiple uphauls. But then on the other hand, Adam would get his turn throwing a big wake aboard my HiFly while making little progress. So maybe it evens out. But it is likely to be harder on Adam*s rig, encouraging rough use by incompetents like myself; something he would not appreciate, once he appreciated it fully. Which gets us back to racing with undersized equipment, a lifestyle some of us are inured to anyway, (pardon my metaphor for I.Q.)

So unless you can cajole, intimidate, or prestidigitate some kid out of the rig parts you need for this event, you*re facing the prospect of ending up on the beach as The Race Committee, a position likely under the circumstances, to involve high medical expenses, including continued reliance on over-the-counter mood stabilizers.

Skipper*s Meeting at 1:00, but plan to arrive early. Rigging up is likely to be problematic, as will be rigging the rules to accommodate the peculiarities of contestants and equipment.

Since I am the only competitor, thus far, CERTAIN to show up Saturday, and since as yet, no one I would trust to referee a dog fight has volunteered to serve as The Race Committee, I may come to have the onerous task of serving as such, and here assure any potential competitors of my dispassionate impartiality in the award of penalties, disqualifications, fines, prison time, pounds of flesh, largesse, trophies, titles, bragging rights, etc. Believe me. This regatta is all about YOU (hence the NAME which I also put on my buildings.)

Finishing: In order to expedite the round robin series, as soon as the first three in a race finish (assuming such many even show up) The Race Committee will sound three blasts of the official horn, at which point all of the loaded diapers bringing up the rear will *finish in place* and return immediately to the beach. So, just in case you finish well, remember to repair and practice up on your (defective) Shellylimpics kazoos, since The Race Committee may be so far back in the train of the fleet that he has no idea what the competent practitioners are doing up front; i.e., you may have to toot your own horn. We will use the *honor-among-thieves* approach to factor the also-ran results into the overall scores. In the event of contention as to who actually finished where, the issue will be resolved by Mortal Combat involving a beverage slam.

Your Servant,

Rik, Grand Perpetrator of the prestigious first annual Edmonds Challenge Cup Regatta
(Now banned from further Message Board postings.)
Date: 10/14/2016
From: Rik

Welcome Paul! Im not sure which Paul Im talking to - there are about three in the Club that meet the afore mentioned low bar of entry - but I know one of em will be going to the Atlanta Fall Classic, if necessary, over my rotting caracas.

So, as long as you are (unconscionably) willing and able to comport with the Challenge Cups stipulated degenerate standards of decorum, sportsmanship, ethics, competence, and personal hygiene, and further provided you can procure, through questionable means or not, a sufficiently trashy underpowered setup to blend into the round robin fleet, you will not only be welcome and celebrated, before its all over, you may well discover you have won an all expense paid vacation in the Wakulla County cooler.

So dont chicken out. We will be lurking for you.
Date: 10/13/2016
From: paul

I want that CUP!!
Date: 10/12/2016
From: Rik

Charlie! What an auspicious RSVP to start out with. At the very least there is a chance of a match race (if I don't chicken out.) Someone like Brenan would regard you as a RINGER, requiring a full retaliatory array of handicaps, but not me. Your recovery issues notwithstanding, I figure that in a match race scenario, for example, you will have to use my trashy equipment for at least half of the races, so this is probably my best chance to beat you across the finish line, ever.

If it turns out there is prospect of three or more competitors, I strongly recommend that for your own sake you show up to the skippers meeting with a pronounced limp, an eye patch, and at least one arm in a sling (crutches would probably be over the top). That way, the Handicaps Committee is less likely to recognize you as a Nail Head. Then after the pre-penalties part is safely over, you can jump out of costume like Superman.

Congratulations on being able to tough through my NOR before Deb B, SPSC Web Goddess, restored the carnage returns and patched in the image of the actual munificent Cup cup.

Adam, sitting next to me at last nights club meeting told me he is considering . . . but hinted that he deserved a special dispensation by virtue of his actual Award Winning keg abs; he claims his smallest sail is a 6.5 or something. I have a reasonably sized sail he could use that by now should have been generating methane in the Wakulla County Land Fill, but well see what he comes up with. The Handicaps Committee will be very interested. He also said something about bringing the beer truck, just before I fell out of my chair.
Date: 10/11/2016
From: Charlie Yontz

LOL Rik! For those of us that can't make it to Atl this sounds like fun! (depending on the temperature, I should be there!). You have too much free time btw.

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